Friday, November 19, 2010

Okay, so, I'm going to grab what I wrote last night for my 100 Words a Day Challenge in an effort to have something up here:

Day 18.
Well I’m mildly irritated with Boyfriend for going out to his friends' house so he could work in the district near there tomorrow and then cancelling it... to get drunk with his friends there. Great choice, dude. Complain some more to me about how you have no money, then tell me you’ve cancelled a day to get drunk, and see how well I react. He’s going to get an earful when I talk to him next. Okay, I’m not going to bitch him out per say, but I am definitely going to point out his inconsistencies, because he definitely points it out to me all the time. That place is terrible for him! I was excited when the “white-house” was falling apart and people were all moving away... but then several of them moved in together again at this place. Dammit. I’m frustrated with the whole situation. I am not feeling very in love at the moment, I am feeling angry. You can’t just fuck your best friend and go back to the way things were. I don’t want you near her, why do you seem to be forgetting this again? And I had a conversation about big scary “The Future” after graduation with that guy one of the grad students told me to talk to and I mentioned the whole situation with Boyfriend... He expressed great surprise that we’ve been together two years and he’s been able to move but hasn’t. I said honestly that I’m done making excuses for him, and if I do continue with school but he doesn’t move down here, then... I don’t know. I don’t want to deal in absolutes today. It’s hard enough letting/convincing myself that yes, I do want to teach high school Latin, just GO FOR IT ALREADY, don’t be afraid to say YES, this is what I want to do! I have to want this, I have to strive for it! It’s time to care about something, it’s time to want something and want it for myself! I have to say Yes, I Will Do This, and then chase it down, figure out how to get there, figure out what more I must do. Time to be BRAVE goddammit and stop with the tearing up, the shaking, the rambling when you’re nervous... it’s gotta go. Pep talk! Rah! Anima mea libera est, nihil potest superare me! Remember, it is etched in your skin forever. If that is not dedication, nothing is. No more saying “I don’t know.” It is time to start knowing; you are beyond a college senior! You know what life can be. Grab it by the balls and say your demands!

By the way I did talk to Boyfriend about my concerns. He explained that in fact he is doing okay for money at the moment. Has his credit card paid off till January, is about to pay a bit on his loans, and "has his head above water" as next week when we're off in the middle of nowhere visiting his family he won't be paying for anything, really. I still think his friends' place is bad for him. 26 years old and still sleeps on somebody's couch occasionally? Yeeeeaaaah. Starting to take issue with that. Still love him though, can't deny it. 
Oh, and I haven't done my homework for today in Latin. Worked last night and didn't go any homework beforehand. Once I got home and tried to look at it, it was all just gibberish, so I gave up and went to bed. Now I'm waiting for coffee to kick in and looking at 9:46 on the clock and thinking about how much I want to lay back down instead of run off to class at 10. Mostly because I have the feeling I'll just be late again. Stupid goddamn buses. I swear I see the one I need pull away just as I hit the parking lot every time. Ugh. I've been late like all this week. Plus I've lost my knee brace somewhere in the apartment. Oh dear. At least I finally found my ticket scrapbook when I was at my mom's last weekend!

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