I don't think I can begin to say how much of an Epiphany I've had today, thanks to two bloggers I've stumbled upon.
Have just led me to some important moments of self-realization. The latter blogger led me to the former, and his myriad of posts about being an adult with ADD. This was the first I stumbled on:
I fit so many of those things... I've always had problems with procrastination. I never want to get started because I know I won't do it as well as I want, that I'll be bored and hey, well I'll be a monkey's uncle, if those aren't more indicators. Sense of under-achievement regardless of what you've actually accomplished and intolerance of boredom. So much of this speaks to me I can't even express it! And it's all resonating so much today because I took two exams today and just beat myself up about it the whole time and worried and spazzed out. Which is another thing on that list! "Tendency to worry needlessly, endlessly; tendency to scan the horizon looking for something to worry about, alternating with inattention to or disregard for actual dangers." God, that explains so much of my behavior. So many problems I've brought to my relationship with my boyfriend, when he thought I was pulling things out of thin air... maybe I was, or maybe I just looked so hard for problems, so much expected there to be some because I expect myself to screw up (those self-esteem issues, another indicator) that I found some. This can probably explain why I get anxious in an empty house, without people around for too long; not enough stimuli for my brain. I have crippling bouts of self-doubt about nearly everything in my life! No wonder I've struggled in school even though I understand everything perfectly. Between ADD and mild dyslexia and nobody really telling me outright that I have them and not having good ways to cope... it's a wonder I didn't just give up and drop out or something. It makes sense, too, looking at my friend with severe ADD. She keeps herself ridiculously busy, or did while she was in school, and she loved it. The need to always be doing something... my mind is racing on everything I've just read faster than I can put into coherent thoughts.
And now I've just wandered back to his writing, and found another amazing piece of helpfulness: How to Write Daily. Or close to daily. And that writing in your head thing? That focusing on a turn of phrase? God do I ever do that. Sometimes I interrupt my whole train of thought just to focus on changing the way I just said something to myself in my head, changing the phrase so it sounds better even though nobody but me is going to hear it.
Ah. I just have to get this out there. I disengaged partway through but here's my truncated thoughts for you.